Let's analyze this photo, shall we. I'm just saying, the color of that fabric is preeeetty similar to the color of the blood of a Colombian child. That's right, flower-patterned. They're innocent and from the earth, which is more than I can say for Something Corporate. I mean, Mallory.

Speaking of the earth, I would say, "Hey Mal, consider your contribution to the world's emissions" but my throat is too clogged up from all the pollution caused by these excessive fabric purchases. I hope your carbon footprint shops at Big & Tall, because otherwise it's going to have a hard time finding shoes big enough for its massive cloven hooves.

And don't even get me started on those scissors. Sorry about your child, Mrs. Schmidtzgard, I guess I wasn't paying attention when he took a fancy to my shiny felt-cutters of death. No, I'm sure it was a very nice funeral. Tell me, did you have real flowers, because I saw the most adorable ones fashioned out of old shirt lapels on Etsy.